Conspiracy Theory

So awhile came sooner than I thought! I'm back. Life decided that I should not wait till months from now to deal with stuff so it used my 16-year old son to help push me where I need to be.

My son and I rarely talk. He is 16 and he doesn't want to be bothered by his mother so he's free to do as he pleases as long as he lets me know where he's going to be and he doesn't keep my dishes in his room till mold is growing on them. It's important that a boy separate from his mother and I'm allowing my son to do this; it's not personal, it's his initiation and I'll not interrupt that.

Anyway, my son who rarely talks to me asked me to join him in his room to watch a movie. I would not say no to the chance to spend time with him. It was a good movie. Another son was headed out to a friend's to watch the Dallas Cowboys (lose again, cough, cough) and asked Josh (the 16-year-old) if the movie was going to be over soon. Josh was going to watch the Cowboys (lose) as well. "It's almost over," he said.

Older brother asked what the movie was about and Josh gave a quick synposis.

"Does the guy die at the end?" Charlie asked.

Josh said yes.

"What!" I yelled. "You said it wasn't a sad movie!"

I knew how close I was to crying and as you can tell from my last post I was intent on holding those floodgates back for a month or so.

Josh said, "I don't remember what happens at the end," but I knew the guy was going to die, which he did and when my sons left and I was alone in the house, I cried.

I cried.

I cried.

But I'm so much better for it. Clarity and some peace. The other day I listened to more songs from Lyfe Jenning's first album and found this song called "Smile" which seemed to sum up where I'm at. Some partial lyrics:

. . . I'm leaving all that darkness behind me
Making changes in my life
So when that sunshine finally finds me
I can stand fully in the light
Spread my wings and reach for sky
I never felt so alive


(chorus)Honey child there's a whole world waiting on you
Took a while but we finally made it through
Go 'head you can smile now all that darkness' behind you
Smile. Smile. Smile.

I'm leaving all those grudges behind me
Throwing fear out the window
So when these blessings come to find me
They will have room to breathe and grow
Let my blessings overflow and get my life under control

(chorus)Honey child there's a whole world waiting on you
Took a while but we finally made it through
Go 'head you can smile now all that darkness' behind you
Smile. Smile. Smile.


Healing I've learned is like an onion. Layers and layers and while I anticipated drama and great pain, well, it just isn't there. I did that long ago. I'm strong enough to face the core-- the deepest wounds. No need for drama, some tears yes, but compassion and a deeper understanding and acceptance of it all.

Approaching it with a beginner's mind and a child's curiousity. What does it mean to me now and what can I do with it.

And the conspiracy theory:

You could not cry in the household I grew up in. My mother would "give you something to cry about" if you did. Whenever a Hallmark movie was on tv, I was sure to watch it, 'cause I could release some tears to a point. You could cry over a movie but nothing else. I have a tolerance for holding emotions in and Life knew I needed to cry now not at some later date so it arranged for Josh to get me to watch the sad movie and cry:-)

Sad movies do me in every time.