The other day, I turned the volume up on the flirting with that guy and a part of me was like-- WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
I don't know.
I went to Hastings because a book was calling me. At the register, I found out it was $2.50; all used books were on sale for $2.50 so I went off looking for another book or twenty at that price.
Later at home, the answers were all there. Two of the books were by the same author, dating and creating love on a spiritual path and there was a line in one about not getting detoured on the way. Hmmmm, you talking to me? I get close to what I want and I start sabatoging it. Explored my motivation and it's, of course, fear.
Up close, there's the possibility of revealing who I really am and is she really enough? Is she worth it? What I don't know about myself and what I've been through--if it scares me, would it make you run?
I'm afraid! Gawd, I've always been afraid.
"One day, sweetie, the gig is going to be up and there's going to be an accounting." Why won't that voice just leave me alone?
I know it's not true. It's not.
But still too often I feel it is.
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