"I said I don't think I should have to stand up."

And yet by remaining to sit, she stood for so many.


"People always say that I didn't give up my seat because I was tired, but that isn't true. I was not tired physically, or no more tired than I usually was at the end of a working day. I was not old, although some people have an image of me as being old then. I was forty-two. No, the only tired I was, was tired of giving in." (from "My Story")

Goodbye, Mrs. Parks, God bless and thank you.

Catching up

Today I may become unemployed.

My schedule was supposed to change and it did-- but my hours went UP! Uh, hello, I said I wanted to be there less. So I'm thinking today I may end up jobless and that would make me so happy. I just don't get the idea of spending your time (your life) working for someone and the rewards can be so few. Not for me.

I will of course have to get to work on my bears in a serious way and that's gonna require some discipline but I can do it. Like the Bible says, if you don't work, you don't eat and I've got this thing for three squares a day.

I'm also poised to begin the novel tomorrow. Unofficial participant in the National Novel Writing Month. No job is gonna impede on that. And I'm excited! I've written two novels before as well as almost finishing a novel-in-short-stories, but this is the novel that means a great deal to me. Pretty ambitious work and I'm looking forward to seeing if I can do this and what I might learn from it all.

Today though, before I go to the job-I-may-no-longer-have, I'm gonna start a new short story that's been playing around in my head and try to get that flash finally revised and submitted.

Yes, I've been bumming for some days. Not doing much although, if nothing else, the New York Times are now in a much neater stack;-)

damn, Houston

the problem was bigger than we thought--ha!

Yay yay yay!

And Dusty, it's your turn. Get those boys to really step up to the plate.

Get to know the absolutely wonderful Liesl Jobson

One of the more fascinating writers I know, though it's virtual (but that should change; she's offered to put me up when I make it to South Africa).

But back to Liesl. Her work is stunning and breath-taking. A cool person and wonderful woman, besides.


Liesl

Not all who wander are lost.

J. R. R. Tolkien

Oh, and. . .

Yay White Sox!

One last thing to think about

"Push it. Examine all things intensely and relentlessly. Probe and search. . . until you see the mystery."

~~ Annie Dillard

Something else to think about

"Learning to sing one's own song, to trust the particular cadences of one's own voice, is also the goal of the writer"

~~ Henry Louis Gates, Jr.

Something to think about

"I write to discover what I know"

--Flannery O'Connor

Life can be so glorious and exquisite

Enjoy today.

Go here

sites again and again and again


Admire and envy him.

Theatre 101

Another writer sent me information about theatre opportunities. Last year, when I was doing some acting, I'd thought about writing a play and a part of me is thinking that maybe I ought to revive that idea and work toward one of the opportunities, esp. since several are for one-act plays and I've written 1.5 in my time. And my college professor said that completed one was pretty good. I did get an A in class. (HA!)

But would I need to throw that in the mix? Like I don't have enough to do already?

But come November, I will have more dispensable time. And one of my strengths is that I can write a lot in a short period of time and under deadline (thanks to all my journalism profs).

So we'll see.

I'll seven hours daily to myself times four days a week when I'm not working and if I work on the novel three hours daily, the play for one, read in the evening so those hours don't even count and work at the craft of writing for another. . .

Have I said. . .

YAY White Sox! lately?






I love redundancy;-)

Working at my writing,

though I'm not really writing.

I'm reading and working "The Artist Way"-- esp. doing the morning pages. Also doing exercises from various other books on writing so I can stretch my ability.

Seeing droplets of success. I've been working on a revision of a flash work but it was missing a line, that line that defines the work, spins the storyline and finally it's come to me. Hallelujah!

Tallying:

A recent acceptance-- cross that work off my submission list

Poetry chapbook to a press currently reading

Fiction chapbook to contest

Short story collection to Iowa Prize

Seven stories to four contests. One in limbo-- didn't get it finished as originally hoped/thinking Nov 1 will get here before I get it done:(

Sent for application for grant from Money for Women, which funds female writers

Need to get work ready for Santa Fe Writing Project

Yesterday, a customer asked if I wanted to get married

'cause he says he has a son he wants to introduce me to. He said his son was a professional football player. "He's 6'3"," the man told me. 200 something pounds.

"Do you think you can handle him?" he asked.

I laughed. "I think the question is 'Can he handle me'?"

The man laughed as well. "Good answer," he said.

And Jesse next door at the UPS office brought me chocolate again. "He's always looking in the window to see if you're here," the hostess told me. "He's handsome; you should go out with him," she added.

Well, maybe if HE ever ASKS--

Something is happening. Wow.

That saying "Be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it" is true. What we ask for --AT AN UNCONSCIOUS LEVEL-- is what we generally receive. I believe that one's sense of deservedness affects the answer life gives us. I also think that one needs to be specific in one's request-- not stupidly so, though (My guy doesn't have to have a certain color eyes) but just to say "I want a man in my life" opens the door to any man AND I"VE BEEN THERE.

I'm asking for a mate-- not a soulmate as popular culture proposes; I believe that many, male and female, can touch and expand us on a soul level and I don't believe in past lives, but a man courageous enough to step out on a path and walk with me; a man truly willing to create love, an enchanted love, and not some facsimile of.

For him to materialize I need to know the qualities I want him to have. What's non-negotiable. So I'll have to do some thinking on this.

The task first, though, is to change my passwords-- they're all the name of past boyfriends! Time to let go/say goodbye--and equally as important, 'thank you' --to some guys so there's a clear path for THE guy.

The love of my life

Okay, now this journey is gonna be a little trickier 'cause I can't do much.

I don't think women should call men or ask them out, and I don't. I'll be touching on this later 'cause I'd like to explain my views of masculine/feminine energies and how we use them.

Right now, I just know that I'm gonna have to use what I've got to attract a man. Lucky for me, I've been told I have a pretty smile and a nice ass.

Those should work for awhile.

My home

Goodwill is making another trip to my house on Saturday. They will pick up a desk, some lamps I really liked in the store but have great difficulty finding bulbs for ( what's a 40 watt "s" and why doesn't any store seem to have them??????) and other misc. stuff.

I like the way space is opening up in my house, and I'm looking forward to taking up that space only when necessary, and only with things I want. Like it's not necessary for a pile of NY Times to take up space in my home. Takes energy from me when I start to fret about them just sitting there. Hey, Gwendolyn, THROW them out! I need to learn to do certain things one time-- like read the newspaper and toss it, rather than save it and have to do an additional thing with it later.

I scrubbed floors yesterday. Moving to walls today.

I bought new curtains for the kitchen window and door. Wanted more plants but alas : (

Sometimes I think I'm nuts 'cause I'm actually making plans to move (not to St.Louis-- that just doesn't seem to work out no matter how many attempts). There is a metaphorical/psychological task I'm to complete and I can't leave until I do. Too much to explain but establishing a home in this place I'm at today seems to be the very key to my release.

misc ramblings and such

Someone much smarter than me when it comes to playing chess helped me see my problem. I understand now what I was doing wrong in moving the King and why the computer wouldn't allow the moves I was trying. Now, I'm ready for another match, but for the record, Bobby Fischer has nothing to worry about;-)

~~

I have no idea what my novel is going to be about.

I have one idea I've been toying with, which is the book Nat Sobel wants. And all he wants for now is 50 pages. That's all + the novel-in-stories.

So the goal is to finish that one last story that I haven't yet gotten to. Rewrite the parts where I want to link the various works a wee bit more and get those 50 pages done. I am scared and expectant. A lot of it is my insecurity and the level of my sense of deservedness. I know I work hard and deserve the degree of success I've achieved, but still success terrifies me.

I like the "good stuff" as much as anyone but I struggle with 'why me?' and not someone else. So understanding boundaries is another aspect. I am Gwendolyn, not so-and so. My journey is not supposed to match another's, whether it's my writing or personal life. I've got to remember that. What I receive, good or bad, is sufficient for me, what I need to learn and to teach. Pin that to my forehead.

The "punchline"-- I'll be even more successful if I learn and live the lesson! Ha! Facing and resolving these fears and insecurities will help me grow and as I expand, my writing expands; as my writing expands, I find more acceptance in terms of publications (which to me is primarly how I gauge the opportunities to connect with others, although it is also an ego-stroking thing). The trick is to maintain a healthy sense of ego. Pin that to my forehead as well.

~~

Someone in Oregon won that $340 million. In one day, New Mexicans spent over $1 million on lottery tickets for last Saturday's powerball drawing. That turned me off from playing in last night's game.

New Mexico is close to the bottom in several surveys, like poverty. We rival Mississippi! What better use could people have made with the one mil? Me, I'm taking the $2 I was gonna spend and buy a book to donate to a school library or something.

~~

Journey with me!

I'm going to get a novel out during November. Ship it off to Nat Sobel and see what he thinks.

I'm going to manifest the love of my life.

I'm going to finalize my home.

Three goals I want to work on-- so I'm going to be posting "progress" reports.

I'm excited and scared, but believe it will come to pass. I also believe that my writing what I desire, what I'm working for will help make it happen. There is incredible power in words-- like a book I own says, "Write it down, Make it Happen."

2 mugs & a plate

That's what I bought on my little adventure.

It's part of my journey to mainfest the love of my life.

I believe that morning can hugely set the tone for one's day. My dream is to share a plate of fruit with my love every morning.

Two mugs, though I'd prefer the idea of drinking from the same cup, but most men do coffee and I don't.

The place setting, for me, a metaphor of togetherness as well as separateness.

Runaway

So I took a day off and went out of town and it was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO nice to be able to use the bathroom and watch tv as I so chose except it wasn't the weekend and I haven't had a chance to watch book tv and talk about it with Joe-- but I digress.


I found that people are generally kind and that it's nice to find my way in the world with the help of others. For so long I thought and have been trying to do "this" on my own 'cause I never wanted to depend on others, mostly because I'd been so let down during my childhood. But I'm willing to drop that now.

I need other people in my life and same coin, I need to be in the lives of some.

My hump

playing in my ear. What the F*** were the Black-eyed Peas thinking??????????

What the White Sox can teach you

Keep the faith.

$340 million

According to an article in USA Today, the odds of a person winning the powerball are 1 in 146,107,962. Still, evidently, people are buying tickets like crazy.

A woman gave me and Eddie a $9 tip to share earlier this week and we bought tickets again. (We didn't win). I pocketed $2 yesterday and maybe I'll take the chance. Maybe. Those odds. (shakes head) Damn, those odds.

Since I was up anyway, I went for a walk

Six in the morning. The sky was black, a few stars sprinkled across. A glorious white moon accompanying as I strolled along. In the distance was the intermittent roar of highway traffic -- people, unlike me, with a destination to meet. In the same distance, but closer. the ducks at the university pond, squawked. I was surprised, time and again, when others emerged along the path; startled out of the thought that I was somehow alone.

What the hell

am I doing up at this hour?

Yawn.

The winning entry

for the Nerve Chapbook Contest was "Thru the Heart of This Animal Life, A Measure of Impossible Humor." It came in the mail the other day. It's poetry. Good poetry.

I've entered a few chapbook competitions and with the ones that accept both fiction and poetry, I've found that the winner has been a poet. Nothing wrong with that; just makes me realize that I need to change my strategy.

Next year, I will enter a fiction AND poetry chapbook!

Up and at 'em

Enjoyed my doing nothing day. It's great to be lazy sometimes. Two things I did do: I cooked for my children [ I was gonna order chinese delivery;-)] and I organized all of the pamphlets, newpaper clippings, misc. stuff I've picked up, thinking I might find a story there. Bought underbed storage boxes to put them in-- I even organized the material according to general subject in file folders.

A magnet I want says "I am organized-- everything is in one pile!" and that's how I've been operating."Clutter is a sign of genius" hangs on my bulletin board, but that's a lie. Clutter is disorganization and disorganization is a time-waster. So I'm really pushing the organized thing.

For so long, I've been writing out of chaos. But I'm thinking if I'm good now, couldn't I achieve some greatness if I worked from another place?

I imagine I'm (and have been for too long) like a plant that refuses to die but can't grow because the condtions that would nurture it aren't completely there. But if I got some sunlight, some pruning and regular waterings, then I'd get healthy and thrive.

So that's what I'm stretching for. The light. And only I can give myself that and I'm gonna.

One step closer

Go White Sox!!

Go

here: sites

Lazy Saturday

Nothing to do today. Nada. Zilch. So that's *exactly* what I'm gonna do.

How dumb do you have to be. . .

to stab yourself in the eye with a hot wing, tabasco sauce and all?


'Cause that's how dumb I am.

(roll eyes here)

I am working on becoming someone I will never quit finish.

-----Josie Natori

The fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm terrible, but they have never found these dangers sufficient reason for remaining ashore.
--- Vincent Van Gogh

Details

I have several books written by Julia Cameron, most based on the work she did in "The Artist's Way."

I decided that it might be a good idea if I got that work and start there, build from it. So I bought it. Flipping through it, I was interested in what she said about details.

Yesterday I missed the bus and had to walk to work, which I didn't mind because it would give me the time to pay attention to the world around me, the details.

Some of what I observed:

lots of cigarette butts
an empty condom wrapper
the steady stream of traffic, the lull, a solitary car whisking by
a scratch-off lottery ticket, torn in half

Unlearning

It's really hard for me to unlearn something. I (finally) figured out why the computer keeps slaughtering me when I play chess against it.

I don't know which directions the king can move in.

The computer won't allow me to place it on a wrong square, but I don't know enough about it to place it on the right one.

"Lady Blue" by Leon Russell

Could listen to it all night long.

Inspiration

Writers end up writing about their obsessions. Things that haunt them; things they can't forget; stories they carry in their bodies waiting to be released ~Natalie Goldberg

**

You are going to have to give and give and give, or there is no reason for you to be writing. You have to give from the deepest part of yourself, and you are going to have to go on giving, and the giving is going to have to be its own reward ~Anne Lamott

**

I wrote from a sense of need. I needed something to do. You can't just sleep all day long ~Snoopy

**

The worst thing you write is better than the best thing you didn't write ~Unknown

**

Fiction is the truth within the lie ~ Anon.

**

Don't get it right, get it written ~James Thurber

**

One writes out of one thing only--one's own experience. Everything depends on how relentlessly one forces from the experience the last drop, sweet or bitter, it can possibly give ~James Baldwin

**

There is no perfect time to write. There's only now ~Barbara Kingsolver
**

Everyone has a talent. What is rare is the courage to nurture it in solitude and to follow the talent to the dark places where it leads ~Erica Jong

**

Love. Fall in love and stay in love. Write only what you love, and love what you write. The key word is love. You have to get up in the morning and write something you love, something to live for ~Ray Bradbury

**

Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depth of your heart; confess to yourself you would have to die if you were forbidden to write ~Rainer Maria Rilke

**

If a story is in you, it has got to come out ~William Faulkner

**

A writer is someone who has written today ~J.A. Jance

**

How can you write if you can't cry? ~Ring Lardner

**

I think the only person a writer has an obligation to is himself. If what I write doesn't fulfill something in me, if I don't honestly feel it's the best I can do, then I'm miserable ~Truman Capote

**

A story isn't about a moment in time, a story is about the moment in time ~W. D. Wetherell

I'm looking for a honey

so I'm meeting and talking to men whenever/wherever I can.

I met this man named Terry recently and we talked for a good while. At the end of the conversation, he told me whatever man ended up with me would have a treasure.

I loved hearing that!

I hope he was basing his comment on the heartfelt things I'd shared, but I can't be sure 'cause he was looking down my v-neck shirt when he said it.

Writing recap

Seven stories out to four contests. Short story collection to Iowa award series. Another story to a contest today. Still tweaking the chapbook entries.


Submitted works

The Father Of The Bride
Cedar Rain
Los Prisioneros Pequenos (The Little Prisoners)
What I'm Payin' You For
Tatters~ A Monologue

Still needing complete first drafts

The First Time and The Very Last Time
A Baptist In Texas
Buzzard's Roost
Lily, In Bloom
Jack's Old Place
Flyway
Gangsta Luv
One Shot, One Kill
Winner Take All
Soldier Boy

Revise and submit:

Eagle Soar
All God's Children
Andre's Rap
Children On A Leash
Acts
Beds
Where I'll Be If I'm Not There--THIS ONE IS MY GOAL FOR TODAY.

Tweak and submit:

The Cleaning Lady
Ernestine Watson's Girl

I'm off today and the kids are out of school for another day, so I'll just be writing the whole day. Off to that.

There is a "rightness" to things even if it seems like there isn't.

I need to learn to truly honor this. Sometimes, I'm a knucklehead and I want to argue Life out of what it's allowing in my days.

But I'm coming to the understanding that whatever the moment, a gift is there. That grand possibility exists if I will but express gratitude, and not dismay, at the way the present is packaged.

I love you-why can't you love me?

I love ferns and the various kinds of ivy. They're so green and lush, but in my hands, they turn brown, brittle and dry.

I picked up a fern and an ivy about a month ago. For two weeks, they seemed okay. This morning, I realized that their days are severely numbered.

Damn, and I try so hard. Misters, plant food. . .

Next trip to Home Depot, I'll drop some money on another fern and an ivy as well because I'm stubborn like that.

Sometimes certain black people annoy me

Controversy in Florida-- I just heard about it.

Article here: article

Cartoon here: cartoon

The cartoon is not racist. Funny. So very, very funny, but not racist.

I'm tired of the double-standard about the usage of "nigger." And there is no difference between it and the word "nigga." No matter how you say it, it's a dumb word and no one should use it in everyday conversation.



(And I'm black --so I can *say* this-- ha!

Brrrr

It's getting colder.

Time to pull out the blankets or find a honey to snuggle with.

It's morning already?

Bought an electric skillet and replaced the waffle iron as well. Told my kids I'd get up and make them breakfast. Yikes! That's served in the morning, isn't it? But I did it.

It's morning.
Damn, they come so early.

_

This lady tipped me and my boss earlier this week. Eddie, my boss (who is a lady), and I decided to spend the 4 bucks on lottery tickets for tonight's powerball drawing. It's 205 million U.S. dollars.

There's no way my life could be any richer, but maybe tomorrow morning I'll wake up with some money.

Another GRAND morning

I don't do mornings so I love it when they start off exceptionally well and today's has.

I feel a little guilty -- should anyone be as happy as I am today? Well, actually everyone should. I wish that 'cause it's such an exquisite feeling. I'm all giddy and at peace and joyous to boot!

With good reason. I've worked hard for certain things in my life and now I'm receiving my reward, reaping what I've sown, getting my just desserts and it's all so very delicious.

~
Got my invite to read at the city library as part of the reading series sponsored by a local writers group called Sin Fronteras/Writers Without Borders. And they're gonna pay me!!!!!
~
Kudos to the wonderful Susan Diplacido for her computer help. I feel nerdy-smart.

More links to follow. I need to write now. But check out Poor Mojo's (under 'magazines') 'cause that's my story published this week.



~

Yay me!

As my friend Carrie would say. Got two works out today, only one that's on my list of stuff I'm supposed to be working on, but I can bump stuff, can't I? As long as I get stories out.

Two chapbook entries, fiction and poetry, almost ready for a Friday mailing. Gawd, it feels good to have my writing moving again.

Today I'm in an exceptionally good mood

The path has been completely revealed, the road cleared.

Home is truly in sight. No need to fall back or hesitate.

Forward. Forward. Forward.

Yesterday's Post

which couldn't be posted 'cause there was some maintenance being done.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Yesterday's heading: A Wonderful Thing


Michael Bolton said love was and that's true, but I'm finding organization is truly wonderful! Things where they're supposed to be-- WOW, what a concept. Makes life a lot simpler and easier.

Okay, yes, roll your eyes and snicker at me, if you will, but this is HUGE for me. A place for everything and everything in its place-- yeah, I understand the deeper meaning of that now. Its about boundaries. Imagine that.

Part of it is that I bought a book about the spiritual cleansing that comes about from housework. Really. It was one of those books that was calling to me. So I got it and now I've "got it" and I'm glad.

~

A last standing ovation for Mr. August Wilson. And a "thank you" for everything he brought to the stage and to our culture. Author. Author.

~

No, I didn't need another stuffed teddy bear, but I couldn't resist! His eyes were just begging me to take him home. Let's say it was a present to myself for being "good" and working diligiently. (ha ha) Whatever. Damn it, he was too cute to leave behind.
~

A solicitation for a fiction work. I always thought I'd love it when magazines would ask me for stories. Unfortunately, I'm still working [diligiently;-) } on what I think are going to be my best stories. I would need about 6 fiction works and two different submissions of poetry to meet the requests I've received this year. Oh, my ego loves being wanted --now if I could only get the work done and get the byline.

~

I thought I was going to have to quit my job, but I don't. I wanted to cut my hours so I could get my teddy bear business up and to write with the intent of making money at it, but that didn't seem it would happen, but it worked out!

_

More randomness

Got a rejection from a magazine that will remain nameless because I may want to submit to them at a later date, but their answer was a looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong time in coming. Way past their stated response time. I wanted to write back and say that my story had already been accepted and PUBLISHED elsewhere while they were considering it. But, like I said, I want to submit to them again so I'll just behave my little self.

~

I bought a book of poetry and have spent the day reading it. Have to get stimulated to write some poetry 'cause I'm going to Miami in November and I want to have some fresh, new and shiny stuff to share;-P

~

I went to Walmart and found it was so possible to go in for two things and end up spending the entire $80 in my pocket.

~

Two things I need to attend to before I miss out

a ticket to B.B. Kings club for late Nov

a workshop on myth in storytelling

~

The lottery is 180+ U.S. dollars. Gambling is against what I believe, but everytime I pass the billboard announcing the current possible winnings, a part of me thinks I could also believe in owning an island and going into space with some Russians, you know?

Quiet Sunday

Not much happening today. Worked. Blah:-p Not a morning person. So out of sorts, but I survived!

~

No bookcases this week:(
I'm working on matching cases for the living room and the den. None I need on sale.
But some kitchen things in the sale circulars, so this week I'll work on that room.

~

Not in the mood to do writing. I just want to take a nap. I will do that. (Damn, I am sooooooo easy.)

~

Actually, I'm poised to do some serious work tomorrow. This week I plan to have complete first drafts of :

Jack's Old Place

The First Time And The Very Last Time


to have these works revised and submitted:

Children On A Leash

Where I'll Be If I'm Not There

Andre's Rap

Tatters ~ A Monologue

and I'm going to print out a chapbook of stories (today, before the nap) and submit it to a contest tomorrow.

~

This past week I was notified that my name is being kicked around to be one of the readers for the reading series sponsored by the city library.

I also got a possible invite to read the poetry of a former professor, Keith Wilson, at a special event honoring him. That's humbling.
~

Not much else, so adios. Time for a siesta.